You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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