Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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