You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
