mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
