I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I deserve this hangover.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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