I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
