just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
