batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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