can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
