Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
