I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This is my gift to your gina
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Dicks are not precious.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
