I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
