I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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