There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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