$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
