I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
