I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
