I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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