I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
