I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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