call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
