left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
