you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
