She went from zero to smokin in five shots
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
