Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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