No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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