So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
