oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
