I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
