Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
