Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
