Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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