Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
