The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
