Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
