wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I need moral support for this bender
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
