phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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