i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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