he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hippo gnu deer
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
