i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
