I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I got inside last night via doggy door
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
