im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
