My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
