Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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