he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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