you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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