Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
