Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
