I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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