I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
