in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
