"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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